Archive for April, 2007
April 23rd, 2007 | Josie
“Never a lip is curved with pain That can’t be kissed into smile again.” ~Brete Harte
Having someone to hold you when you cry, to care about you, can make all of the difference in the world. Life is too short to let your heart freeze over. Sometimes you have to open up to the possibility of heart break in order to feel everything else.Happiness is a state of the heart and mind in synch.
April 21st, 2007 | Josie
The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it. ~Wendell Berry
As hard as we try, at times there is no escaping the things that have happened to us. What is past is past, but it is also irreversible.
Usually, I try not to think about the past, expecially the bad things that have happened in it, but the funny thing about the past is that it has a way of sneeking up on us when we least expect it and effecting our present in a very substantial way. How do you explain to someone you care about why you are crying for no apparent reason. All they can do is hold you in bewilderment while you cry, unable to explain the reason. The reason makes no sense to them, can never make sense to them, really, because they were not there, in that time and place.
Part of you needs to explain, wants to tell them, and the other part wants desperately to forget that it ever happened. You don’t want to burden them with the terrors of your history, partly in fear that they will back away. You are tainted, and you cannot forget, can never forget. It is part of you, it pains you. Sometimes, it is you.
Please understand, I am not what I seem to be. I am hurting, but that does not mean that I am all hurt. I can be happy, and I can try to love and live and learn from the mistakes and tragedies of my past, but I need help, I need to be loved despite the issues I embody. I need the life to be breathed back into me. I need to cope with the past and embrace the future. I need to live.
“When thunder rolls through my life, will you be able to weather the storm?”
April 19th, 2007 | Josie
Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, and not slowly either. It’s passing, yet I’m the one who’s doing all the moving. ~Martin Amis
There are days when it seems like the world decides to open up and spit out all the crap it has been waiting to dump on you, all at once. Today is one of those days. No particular reason, I am just really high strung. I cried on the phone with Leo for no good reason, yelled at my roomates, ate to much to make myself feel better, which of course only made me feel worse.It just that all of the stress from the past few weeks had been building and building, and I think that I am finally at my breaking point. I don’t know where I am going to live next year, or worse, how I am going to pay the rent. Then there is where the hell I am going to be in a year. I just don’t know. Why is everything hitting me like this all at once?
April 17th, 2007 | Josie
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.~Flora Whittemore
Life is full of choices. Small ones, big ones, ones that change the way we live and act and think for the rest of our lives, and ones that we will never think about again the moment that they are made. Every single morning I make the decision whether or not to hit the snooze button 4 times or 5, I decide what clothes to wear and whether or not I really need to wash my hair. I decide if I will pay attention in class, or if I will doodle instead.Most of these everyday decisions really don’t affect my life as a whole. If I were to choose to wear the most hideously ridiculous outfit tomorrow, no one would remember in three days whether I was wearing an ugly green shirt or a bizarre purple one.Then there are the decisions that will shape the me that I am growing into. What classes to take, where to work, which friendships to fight for and which to let slip, where to go to graduate school. There is a big difference between the easy decision and the right decision, the hard part is trying to discern what that difference is. Am I choosing to get a master’s degree before I join the Peace Corps because it is the best thing that I can do right now, or because I am scared? Do I want to go into journalism because it is what I truly am passionate about, or because it happens to be the thing that I am good at without really trying? There are no simple answers to these questions, and making the decisions isn’t going to be made any easier by knowing that.Then, of course, there are situations where the choice is made for you, with or without your consent. We don’t really chose who we fall in love with, or when, or where. It is one of the things that defines each of us, love, yet we really have no say in the matter. Even when every logical part of the brain is screaming in denial, telling you that its all impossible, something in you says to hold on against the odds, and when that something is strong enough, you have no choice but to hang on with both hands and refuse to let go.Every decision that we make, important or banal, voluntary or compulsive, has consequences. At some point all we can do is trust our instincts and hope for the best.
April 16th, 2007 | Josie
Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren’t even there before.~Mignon McLaughlin
It is amazing what just a few short weeks cn do to te state of the heart. A month ago I had little direction, just ideas of where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my life, vauge concepts mostly. Now I have little more idea of what exactly it is that I want to “be,” but I do have a more solid idea of where I want to go with the life that I have been given.Look at me, considering studying in nations I have barely heard of before, changing my plans for the future, and not regreting it one bit. Of course I have no idea how things will all work out, but I have this theory that the things in life that are worth having are worth fighting for. I don’t know, but I think that I have found something that fits that description pretty closely, and I am not about to let it slip through fingers before I even really have a grasp on what I am holding in my hands.
April 5th, 2007 | Josie
“Within you I lose myself…without you I find myself wanting to be lost again.”
Missing someone that you want to be with is one of the worst feelings in the world. Right now there are so many people that I would rather be with than here, where I am…In Budapest with Leo, in Wisconsin with my mom. I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss all of the people that I care about. Here I am, wallowing in self pity while I am in Greece, one of the most beautiful countries in the world. It really just goes to show that what makes a place beautiful is not the landscape or the buildings, but the people in your life in that place and time.