Archive for 2006

Letting go…

December 30th, 2006 | Josie

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.  ~Havelock EllisIt is hard to explain how hard it is to let go of something that you have spent such a long time clinging to, even when you know full well that letting go is not only what you want to do, but what you need to do. It is only harder when it involves someone that you care about who is refusing to let go. The comfort of something you know, even if you know that it isn’t what you need, is so easy to fall back on than the strange and the unknown.I know that I want to do something with my life, and that this old relationship is not leading me in that direction at all, but I still worry that if I see him again, which I know that I will, I won’t be able to say no. I suppose that I could be happy in the life that he wants for me, but I would always wonder what if, and I would end up blaming him for all of the missed opportunity. I can’t do that to myself or to him, it wouldn’t be fair. Now all I need is the strength to hold to my decision, and I am not sure where exactly I am going to find that.

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Sick as my secret…

December 28th, 2006 | Josie

You’re only as sick as your secrets.  ~Author Unknown

Finally home, and while it is nice to be home and see my family after so long away, I am a little wary about the fact that I have so many things that I have done and said that I can’t or won’t tell them. How can I cope with the fact that I have to hide so much of who and what I am from the world without giving myself just more things to hide? This whole thing is like riding too fast on the merry-go-round when you are small: you get going too fast and you lose control, and all that you can do is hang on and hope that it stops by the time you open your eyes. But of course it never does, it just goes faster and faster until you lose track of up and down. All I want to do is get off, but I worry that if I try to, my world might stop all together.

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Forgetting to cry…

December 27th, 2006 | Josie

The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep.~Henry Maudsley

How do I weep when my eyes have forgotten how to cry? I don’t even know what upsets me soemtimes, but I think that I have run out of tears to cry and there is no outlet to let the sadness go.

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Gone by still here…

December 19th, 2006 | Josie

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

We never think about how the lives of the peopl around us really affect us until they are gone. Death is such a scary thing, but it isn’t something that you really ever think about happening to you or to people you know. I just received the news that an old friend of mine died over the weekend. It was hard to hear while I am here in Germany since the last time that I was here was with Theresa, in high school, and it was one of the best times of my life. People come and go in our lives, but it really isn’t until we can’t tell them how much we care about them that we realize how much we really do. They may be gone physically, but the memories we make stay with us forever, and the care and love goes on.Take the time today to tell someone that you love them, someone that you haven’t told in a while. They need to hear it, and what it more, your soul needs you to say it.
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To be loved…

December 5th, 2006 | Josie

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”  ~Mother TeresaI saw a couple in the street today, and they were the kind of sweet together that gives you cavities when you see it.All that I could do was stand there and think “God, I want that.” Call it a prayer, call wishful thinking, call it whatever the hell you want, but it is all I want in the world, and it is the one thing that I can’t seem to find, no matter how hard I look for it.

I know that all people strive to be loved, and that most want it more than they can say, but I think that I am fixated on it. All I want in this world is to be loved and to love someone in return, but I can’t seem to cling to anything I find. I am always racked with questions of when and how and where. Maybe I am spending too much time on the questioning and too little time on the living. I want to feel beautiful and amazing and full of something, anything but ugly and lonely and empty.

If you put your arms around meCould it change the way I feel?I guess I let myself believeThat the outside might just bleed its way inMaybe stir the sleeping pastLying under glassWaiting for the kissThat breaks this awful spellPull me out of this lonely cell 

Close my eyes and hold my heartCover me and make me somethingChange this something normalInto something beautifulWhat I get from my reflectionIsn’t what I thought I’d seeGive me reason to believeYou’d never keep me incompleteWill you untie this loss of mineIt easily defines meDo you see it on my face?That all I can think about is how longI’ve been waiting to feel you move me

 

 

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Getting screwed…

December 2nd, 2006 | Josie

“Men get laid, but women get screwed.”  ~Quentin Crisp

 

 

Why is it that if a boy kisses a girl that he probably shouldn’t have, he is considered a stud, whereas if a girl makes the same mistake, she is deemed a very different four letter word? Perhaps it is because as females we attach more emotionally to a simple kiss, but even when you go into it thinking “This is only a kiss, nothing to get hung up on,” somehow we always come out of it with a little piece of our hearts gone. At this point I don’t know if my heart will be whole enough to give away when the time comes for that.

 

Why, if I know all of this, do I keep letting ‘innocent’ meetings of lips chip away at my heart? Is the five minutes of feeling beautiful in the arms of a stranger really worth the sense of loss I feel afterwards? Could I bear it if the answer was no? Am I brave enough to even question?

“God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.”  ~Author Unknown

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Staying young…

November 4th, 2006 | Josie

The greatest poem ever known

Is one all poets have outgrown:

The poetry, innate, untold,

Of being only four years old.

~Christopher Morley, To a Child

I got a note yesterday from a friend that I have not talked to in quite a while, but with whom I share the best memories of my childhood. I don’t think that I can even begin to put into words the nostalgia that a couple of lines of text imparted on me. I was immediately drawn back to the days of popcicle kisses and playing tag, when a kiss or a hug made all of the hurts in the world go away. Back to when anything was possible and nothing in the world seemed bad or scary. 

It is sad that we spend so much time hurrying to grow up. I wish that children felt comfortable being children longer. I have spent my entire life yearning to grow up, to leave my childhood behind me, and now that I am “grown up,” I am clinging to the few left over strands of my childhood.I think that the key to being happy is not allowing yourself to be too grown up, to act a little silly and not care once in a while. It is dancing in my underwear in the dead of night, just because the mood strikes. It is playing dress up, with fancy dresses and too much makeup, just to feel beautiful for a little while. It is crying when there is something to cry about, even if the world deems it as silly or too small to bother. It is singing in the rain and not caring if I am off key. Quite basically, it is living.

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Growing up…

November 4th, 2006 | Josie

Spring and Fall by Gerard Manely Hopkins
Margaret, are you grieving
Over golden grove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! As the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow’s springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for. 

Kind of a sad poem, but one of my favorites, because it is so true. When we are little we see only the small horrors of the world, like the dying leaves of fall, and we cry without shame. As we grow older, we see worse and worse things in this world, and yet we cry less and less. Growing up doesn’t have to mean deadening the soul, so why do we let it.

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Finally!

November 2nd, 2006 | Josie

“There are some days when I think I’m going to die from an overdose of happiness.”  ~Salvador Dali

 

 

I genuinely believe that the difference between a good day and a bad day is what you say to yourself when you first wake up. If the first thing you think in the morning is “Oh God, what shit does today have in store for me,” then of course it is going to be a shitty day. It is basically a self-fullfilling prophecy. The only problem with my theory is that things run in a circle too, meaning that if Monday sucked, I’ll probably be in a bad mood when I wake up on Tuesday, and therefore Tuesday is probably going to suck too. 

The thing is that you can’t let a bad yesterday bring down your today. I woke up this morning in just about the best mood I have had in a long long time, and it has made all of the difference. I feel and look better knowing that I am wearing a big smile on my face, rather than the unsightly scowl I have been sporting of late. It just goes to show that there really is a silver lining if you are patient enough to stick around and wait for it once in a while!

 

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Living on…

November 1st, 2006 | Josie

“I thought when love for you died, I should die.

It’s dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.”

~Rupert Brooke

People always talk about falling in love, and how much it hurts to have your heart broken. People never seem to consider the fact that we fall out of love too, and that sometimes the heart is its own breaker. Loving someone and being in love with them are two entirely different things, and I wish that you could understand that. It wasn’t cold or decisive or meant to hurt. This hurts me too, more than I think that you can know. Relationships are like glass.  Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.  ~Author Unknown

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