josamarie

Crashing on uncertainty…

January 19th, 2009 | Josie

Somedays, I feel as though I am in the middle of the ocean when I suddenly realize that I never knew how to swim. Everyone talks about it as “the beginning of the rest of your life.” What if I didn’t want a new beginning, because I wasn’t looking for an old end? The past has been far from perfect. In fact, the word “perfect” doesn’t even enter the equation when it comes to adding up the sum of all the parts of my life that I am slowly piecing back together. This conglomeration of broken bits and worn out tatters of the things that I once called my dreams is awkward, its strange and confusing. I often find myself standing with this thing that I call life in my hands, simply staring at it and trying to figure out what exactly it’s supposed to be. It’s broken and I have resigned myself to the fact that I don’t know how to fix it. Nor can I rely on anyone else to come along and construct something beautiful out of these lumps of lackluster life. There is nothing remotely beautiful about them as they are, therefore why would anyone bother? I may not know how to do it alone, but my best efforts, half-assed and inadequate as they may be, will have to be enough.I look at all the pieces, recognizing the beauty that once existed in a bit of shattered hope, a tear of ruined dreams. Can that beauty be, if not whole or same, somehow reshaped, made interesting in all its brokenness? Each time I begin to scratch away the marring and the dust, to reveal the shining possiblities for what they could be, I breathe wrong and the whole thing begins to crumble through my fingers again. I am lost without a map and no one from whom to ask direction. I need a lighthouse of my own before I crash on rocks in this choppy sea of uncertainty with only an empty bottle in my hands.